Sticky tiles clutched my soles. Nobody should have to stay here longer than five minutes. But how was it fast food if they took this long? What was even the point beyond ten minutes? The impulse was dead, like post-nut clarity.

I thought about inching my way toward the door and scurrying off somewhere else while I still had time, but they’d already taken my money. A wise person might’ve paid twenty quid to avoid eating here. Then, a noise behind me. A burly guy with more tattoos than skin showing, shut a wooden door and brushed past me. He shuffled behind the counter and made his way to the back kitchen which I could see through a door shaped gap beside the fryer. He turned a tap, tickled the stream of water for five seconds at best, no soap, then back to work. I glanced at the wooden door he came from. It had the word “TOILET” redrummed across it as if they had carved the sign with a sharpie.

Back in the kitchen, burley-tats sprinkled chips by hand into a tin foil tray then followed with a handful of shredded cheddar cheese. Not a glove in sight.

My stomach churned. There was still time to just leave, but that might look suspicious. I caught my reflection in the silver counter-warmer and got drawn in, narcissus-style. Warped, murky, wild beard and wispy long hair was all I could make out. I took out my phone to snap a mirror selfie – Jesus appeared to me in the chipper, he’s had a rough night SMILEY FACE – I typed under the pic and sent to Lisa.

Three dots danced on my phone screen while I awaited her response – HEART EYES EMOJI x2 OMG Ratellos? Get me the Garlic Chilli Cheesy Fries Wrap xx.

I replied, “Sure thing, still no sign of Frank?”

Three dots, ”SAD FACE, no I’m starting to get worried about him.”

The manager stared dead-eyed at the register’s computer screen. None of us wanted to be there. Pizza, Indian cuisine, burgers, kebabs, fish and chips, Mediterranean food, this place does it all. None of it well. Burly scooped a bucket of raw fries into the fryer, beside which I noticed a trash can packed to the brim with crumpled blue cleaning paper. He hadn’t even started on my order. I could’ve still left. But Lisa was expecting a feed from this place. I located her menu item but couldn’t see the price beside some dead fly mush on the board. It didn’t matter how much it cost, she was worth every penny.

The cook smiled over as he prepared my order. I struggled to look him in the eye and felt the overwhelming urge to shout at him to wash his filthy hands. Better not make a scene. No use piling on, making problems for him with his manager. I just hung out near the security camera as planned, I knew it was recording since I could see myself on the flat screen behind the counter, the seconds rushing past the hour on the 24-hour clock.

I clutched the brown bag close to my chest on my long walk back to the car. The bag dripped grease onto my jeans when I laid it on my lap behind the wheel. Too many receipts and crushed cider cans on the passenger seat to rest it properly. Besides, I better not leave any chipper residue in the car just in case.

I noticed my hands shaking on the wheel and I had to stuff some of the steaming hot chips into my mouth to curb the hunger and hopefully quell some of the adrenaline.

Ratello’s was the only place open as I drove out of the town, not even the offo kept their lights on past 9pm. The few lights on the main street seemed to be out and the place felt like the whole village had jumped ship. Good for me.  

I pulled onto the bridge and left the door open, engine running. I could feel the heat escaping the chipper bag as I cut through fields to get to Lisa’s. I finally made it to her driveway and saw one welcoming porchlight on outside separating her house from the rural darkness. I glanced at the next-door neighbour’s upstairs window. Empty, silent and dark. Perfect.

I kicked over the plant pot and grabbed her spare key.

“Honey…. I’m home” I said, still eating chips. At this point I was enjoying them so much I didn’t care that the guy hadn’t washed his hands after doing god knows what in the bathroom. Glad I didn’t lose it with him, he was just doing some honest work.

Then there she was. Lisa emerged from the kitchen, smirking.

“You’re hilarious” she said as she kissed me.

I fed her a chip from the bag.

“Cold. I’ll get the microwave going. Come on in I’m starving.”

“You almost done in there?

She led me into the kitchen and sat me down at the table. We made eyes with each other while the brown bag rotated awkwardly in the microwave. I laid out the food on the table as she finished wrapping up frank on the floor.

“God that smells so good.” She said.

“It’s actually surprisingly good.”

She joined me and dug into her garlic cheesy whatever wrap. The chilli sauce dribbled through the paper down her wrists more with each mouthful. Chunks of meat, cheese and an orange oily mixture fell down her chin.

“Ugh… that is insanely good.” She said between bites.

She leaned over and kissed me. I could taste the bouquet of chipper grease and cheesy decadence on her lips.

“You are too sexy.” I said, dipping some of my chips in ketchup.

“Did he give you much trouble?” I asked.

She stopped mid-chew and looked up from her meal like she didn’t know what I was talking about.

“Frank,” I said.

For a second, I was worried she looked regretful, but then her face lit up.

“No, he was great about it, actually.” She said and got back to her feast.

Frank lay on the kitchen floor below us, wrapped in some old bed sheets. A patch of blood formed near his head. I beamed with pride as I watched her, she was so good to go to all this trouble for us.

I finished off my last few crispy fries at the bottom of the bag making sure to dab every last bit of salt and vinegar on my fingers before licking them clean. She sat back, food coma about to hit hard.

“I’ll take care of all this my love, you just rest now.” I stood up and kissed her on the head as she threw her head back and snoozed right there in the kitchen chair. Absolute angel.

I gathered up the mess on the table from the chipper bag and the last few bits of food and threw them onto Frank’s chest. I grabbed his feet and dragged his body and the chipper mess out to the garden, his head bumped on the back step as I got him out into the night air.

I looked at Lisa through the window as she snoozed. I admired the night sky over our back garden and felt so grateful to finally be here. I pulled a shovel out of a shed that had a wood carved sign that read “Frank’s Shed”. That could go in the hole too!

In the coming days, Frank’s car would be found down the road, abandoned by the river. I would of course be there to comfort his grieving wife, bring food and drive her anywhere she needed. Might even need to stay over a couple of nights too if she gets lonely. We’d help with the search efforts naturally, but nobody would ever find him and when the police asked if I saw anything I could say I thought I saw his car drive by Ratello’s that night when I was getting chipper. Next time I think I’ll go for their taco sauce curlyfry beef casserole.

Lisa tells me it’s intense.

Conor is a writer, videographer and podcaster from Dublin with an MSC Film Production. Conor is developing an animated series and recently optioned an original feature screenplay. Conor’s screenplay DARA MCCOOL received screenplay development funding from Screen Ireland in 2022 and received a bursary for Stowe Story Labs in Vermont. Conor was a screenwriting mentee of BAFTA winning writer Will Collins (Wolfwalkers) for a yearlong mentorship. Conor’s numerous independent shorts and spec scripts have placed in competitions and festivals worldwide. Author of two Arts Council funded novels MONUMENTAL and THE OUTER CIRCLE, the second of which was shortlisted in the Irish Writer’s Centre Novel Fair 2020.

Conor has directed factual entertainment and documentary and kids TV for RTE & RTE Jnr and is a skilled camera operator, stills photographer and editor for film and TV productions. His directorial feature debut mockumentary THE LIGHT OF DAY screened at the Galway Film Fleadh and the IFI Horrorthon. Creator and host of horror podcast The Hidden Station, and Fad Camp on the Headstuff Podcast Network which was nominated for Irish Podcast awards in 2022 & 2023.

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