The Masturbating of America
Benjamin Arzate
It’s that time of year again! The Statue of Liberty has lifted her dress and spread her legs in anticipation of The Masturbating of America!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the artists and engineers in California have been hard at work since last year to craft the perfect giant stone dildo to please Ms. Liberty. Right now, it’s being lowered onto the cart to be rolled across the country by ten of the finest patriots from all over the country. They’re decked out in American flag spandex, suits, cowboy shirts, and some are even naked with nothing but Ol’ Glory body paint on.
Now they’re rolling the giant dildo across the roads of this great nation. Along the way, they’re greeted by cheers, applause, and, occasionally, an America-hating protester. We get at least one every year, ladies and gentlemen, some smug hippie who thinks the resources put into the Mating are “bad for the environment,” that it’s “a waste of taxpayer money,” and it causes “completely unnecessary mass destruction.”
Well, I’m here to tell you right now, folks, that’s a bunch of fucking bullshit! Personally, I keep a big tube of lube right here in the studio to jerk myself stupid every time one of our heroic policemen cracks their skull in two!
Luckily, this is only a small minority, and the throngs of adoring crowds motivate them to keep going each and every day until they can’t no more. They sleep right where they fall and get up the next day at the ass-crack of dawn. Can’t keep Lady Liberty waiting too long!
Here our patriots arrive in New York City after only a few days thanks to hard work, determination, and a quantum time dilator fitted on the giant vaginal dilator designed by Silicone Implant Valley’s finest minds and coming soon to an Apple store near you!
You can tell Lady Liberty’s been waiting for this. That gigantic dildo is sliding in that copper cunt smooth as butter!
It’s in, folks, it’s in!
As she cranes her head back in ecstasy, her orgasm triggers the exposed part of the dildo to open, revealing the nuclear missile stored inside! Amidst a shower of fireworks following it, it launches from between the legs of Ms. Liberty!
Where will it land? It doesn’t matter. It never blows up anywhere in America, but for you nerds who care, we’ll have a report of where it hit shortly.
And it appears to have hit…
Georgia?
Oh my.
Oh my God.
Ladies and gentlemen… This is an unprecedented tragedy. The bomb has hit the state of Georgia and wiped it out.
So many American lives were lost.
This leads to so many questions. Why do we continue this obscene ritual that ends in so many deaths? What purpose could it possibly serve for the long-term good of humanity?
What’s that?
Folks, I’ve gotten confirmation that it did not in fact destroy the state of Georgia, but some shithole east European country that stole its name from one of our states. This is amazing news! It means Americans are, once again, unharmed and we have no need to think about this any further.
Stay tuned for a word from all our great sponsors; Raytheon, Black Rock, and Coca Cola, followed by a 6,969 hour marathon of Ridiculousness!
I’ll see you all again in one year for another celebration of The Masturbating of America!
Ben Arzate lives in Des Moines, IA. He is the author of several books. His latest, If today the sun should set on all my hopes and cares…, was recently released by Baynam Books Press. Find him online at dripdropdripdropdripdrop.blogspot.com and benarzate.substack.com.
Twitter: twitter.com/benarz13
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