Welcome to the Fungi Farm

Kurt Newton

You’re all here today because you want to learn about fungi, right?
Well, fungi can be fascinating. But don’t take my word for it, just look and see…

Over here we have lichen. Lichen is a type of fungus. That one there is called Reindeer Lichen. That’s right, Santa’s reindeers eat that for food.
Reminds me of last Christmas, when my boyfriend cheaped out and got me a knockoff handbag and tried to pass it as the real thing. He didn’t get no snuggle time that night.

Where was I? Oh, yes, over here we have mold. There are many different kinds of mold. Now, most of you think mold is icky, and it is. In fact, some mold can be very harmful to your health.

Like that time my boyfriend put his hand around my neck and pushed me up against the wall because I was asking him questions about where did all the money go. I told him don’t you ever do that again or it will be the last thing you do, you crazy fool!

I’m sorry — you came here to learn about fungi, not about my bad taste in men.

Anyway, over here we have some unusual members of the mushroom family. This one here is called Bleeding Tooth. Looks just like a bleeding tooth, doesn’t it? That tall purple one’s called Amethyst Deceiver. Such an odd name. For a plant. But for a man, that one hits it right on the head.

After I told him to never lay a finger on me again, he went out and got himself a girlfriend. And then lied about it. That man deceived me. Cheated on me. He hurt me in so many ways. Especially right here in my heart.

And over here we have Dead Man’s Fingers. I know — it looks like the real thing, doesn’t it? It looks like a dead hand reaching up out of the soil, as if to say I’m sorry.

Nope. No more. Once a cheat always a cheat. Moving on…

Over here, can anyone guess what this one’s called? That’s right. That’s called Wood Ear. Looks just like a human ear listening in from the afterlife.

I told you fungi can be fascinating.

Kurt Newton’s fiction and poetry have appeared in Urban Pigs, Punk Noir, Apocalypse Confidential, and God’s Cruel Joke.