By Heather D Haigh

So, Mr Nackus, can you reiterate for our readers, how this new policy will benefit those who are already the worst off in society, how locking them into their misery will alleviate the country’s soaring mental health issues?

          Well, Rachel, may I call you Rachel?

No, Mr Nackus, you may call me Green.

          Ha, ha. Well, Miss Green, study after study has demonstrated that anxiety feeds on uncertainty, that depression feeds on social anxiety, that mental instability feeds on social instability, that people find unpredictability in these turbulent times extremely distressing, and what we are offering is security, predictability, stability. What we are offering is the relief of feeling safe.

By making social mobility impossible.

          Now then, Rachel—

—Green. No miss. Just Green.

          Green. Ha, ha. Of course. Miss Green, what we are implementing—

Proposing, Nackus. The motion has not yet been carried.

          Proposing. Though we are confident—

—I’m sure you are. How much have you given away in backhanders—

          Miss Green!

Concessions, Mis-ter Nackus. I meant to say concession, of course.

          Of course. Loyal service deserves—

—oh yes, loyal service. Easy to be loyal if you’re going to be one of the beneficiaries.

          Rachel, Rachel. Ha, ha, Miss Green. We will all be beneficiaries. As I say, stability—

—stability. So, have I got this right: social status, identity, self-perception, job-satisfation, expectations, these can all be attenuated and locked in via genetic manipulation? People can basically be programmed? Mis-ter.

          Let me reassure you, nobody will be forced to do anything they feel unhappy about—

—Isn’t that the point? We’ll all feel whatever—

          —Mizzzzzz Green, I don’t think you appreciate the vast benefits this will confer. UK growth will soar, the whole country will be prosperous. Crime will all but disappear, drug-abuse will become neglible, the cost of health care and welfare will plummet, while our national defences will never have been stronger. Predictions for lifetime satisfaction is extremely positive for every person in the country. This will practically eliminate depression and anxiety. What government has ever been in such a position?

But, what you’re saying Knackers, is that people will know their place and will have no choice but to be happy about it, that they will work until they drop like automatons, and that you will insert this mindset into their very DNA. Future generations will have no say in negating this scenario, for they will have no will to do so.

          Look at it this way, Green: Would you rather be a stressed, unsatisfied, frustrated journalist, forever at the beck and call of your editor, chasing yet another story that he won’t be printed—

—Only because the press is no longer free to—

          —no longer free to print stories like this one. They stir up trouble you see. Cause unrest. Add immensely to the mental health burden. I’m afraid that’s not in the national interest.

So this press conference is a complete waste of time. I’m going to leave with nothing useful at all.

          Oh I wouldn’t say that, Missssss Green. You see, the first batch of treatments are ready. If you’d like to go with Doctor Valinksi, Miss Green. Ha, ha, Rachel.

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Heather is a disabled, working-class writer from Yorkshire, published by Urban Pigs, Oxford Flash Fiction, Fictive Dream, Bath Flash Fiction, The Phare, and numerous others. She has won or been placed in several competitions and is Pushcart and BOTN-nominated. She loves the sea and is addicted to cheese.

Photo by Museums Victoria on Unsplash